For the longest time I had the intention of writing a post about how I had (royally) messed up my finances. I had a long draft brainstormed, discussing the how, the why, and the long and painful process of finally accepting how bad things had become, just before I hit rock bottom. It was a shitty year, to say the least.
But for whatever reason, I delayed writing the post, and now realized that I am in a completely different phase. I’m past the denial, I’m past the blame, and I’m well into my action plan. So, basically, much of what I had considered writing, ranting, and preaching about just didn’t seem relevant anymore. It felt like going backwards (aside: I can’t imagine why anyone would be interested in hearing my long-ass sob story about how I got myself into this mess…but if for some reason someone is interested, let me know LOL).
Anyway. I forget what my point is. I guess now, at this stage, I’d moreso like to comment on some un-expected emotional/psychological stuff that has come up for me along the way.
Such as: how am not as proud of myself, or as excited as I thought I would be. And this is despite the fact that I’ve worked extremely hard to pay off what I consider to be a significant chunk of the debt, was able to close one of my credit cards, and am close to closing a second. I guess part of it could be knowing that I still have quite a long way to go. I’ve researched it a bit and I know that “debt fatigue” is a thing. I’m possibly just numb to it at this point. But I think a bigger, maybe even more important, part of it is the shame and stigma that goes along with debt. I think that’s what I’m more tired of. I started to analyze this a little and experienced a bit of resentment. I wish I could brag about my progress, have someone congratulate me, and cheer me on. Granted, it’s partly my fault for never being able to “own it” like that, or put myself out there without flinching. While I certainly don’t hide that I am struggling with my finances, I haven’t been 100 percent honest with a single person about how bad things were in the beginning (like, how I was taking stuff to pawn shops just to meet mortgage payments…*cringe*). But really, I feel like if I did openly confess to hitting a milestone, like paying down my first 10 grand, I wouldn’t exactly get a high five. I’d moreso be met with shock and disgust, for having had that much to pay off in the first place. It’s too bad. I can’t imagine giving that same attitude to someone who lost 10 pounds, by contrast. No one would be rolling their eyes and blaming the person for being that heavy in the first place (at least I sincerely hope no one would do that!).
I also realize that I had developed severe tunnel vision. I couldn’t stop obsessing over the next target, calculating what was/ would be/should be in my bank accounts, and was horrified to realize that over a year had totally passed me by. I seriously need to stop fast-forwarding my life. While things are tough right now, I don’t *actually* want to wake up 3 years from now (when I’ll likely have this truly paid off), only to realize that I gapped out and don’t re-call the first half of my 30s! While the end-goal is exciting, I think I almost need to have it on the mental back-burner for a bit, and find smaller things to look forward to until this ordeal is done.
Obviously, there is also the self-esteem aspect in all of this. It’s not a shock that I don’t think super-highly of myself right now. This isn’t un-expected, but the severity of it is. I’d say that it’s spread into a general lack of faith in my ability to make decisions, especially when it relates to money. My stomach is in knots about spending money on even the tiniest thing — regardless of if it’s a necessity, or something I’ve budgeted/saved for, very carefully, and can afford it. I’m going to have to get over this, but it’s going to be hard. At the end of all of this, I’m probably going to feel very uncomfortable with the amount of extra income I’m going to have (since, to be honest, right now I’m slamming down close to a grand each month towards the debt and interest). It’s almost unfathomable to me that one day this will all be *extra* money, that I’ll be entitled to spend again, that I’m actually going to be able to have some freedom again. I’m petrified of messing up and don’t trust myself. It sucks the fun out of it. Sigh.
I’ve also noticed this bizarre, and annoyingly-intense compulsion to explain my spending to people. It’s as though having confessed some of my struggles, I feel the need to justify every step I make, like I’m under a microscope (I admit said “microscope” could all be in my head…and might not in fact exist). For example, if someone compliments me on what I’m wearing, or asks where I got my new rain boots, coat, or whatever, I instantly launch into a detailed defense about how I got it on sale, after waiting months for it, or how I use my tax return to pay for it, or worse, saying something like “Yes, I sold a bunch of old things on E-Bay, okay, so I *did* have the money for this new shirt, as a matter of fact!”. Like…what?! This is so un-necessary, and yet it’s a knee-jerk reaction. It’s no one’s business how (or if) I can afford something new, where I got the money, or why I bought the shirt but declined a lunch invite last week because I said I was stressed about money. My anxiety and obession surrounding spending has gotten out of control. I think, like most things I struggle with, a big part of it will be learning to care a lot less about what other people think, realizing that I have the right to spend my money how I see fit, and hopefully, one day, trust that I am actually making good choices and on the right path.
I’m not sure if anyone out there can relate to this. Any words of wisdom or tidbits or advice are always welcome 😉