I’m the kind of person who tends to avoid people and crowds. And I’ve always felt a little guilty about this. I strategically plan my errands during off-peak hours, so the odds of me running into someone are low; if an elevator is even slightly crowded, I will opt to take the stairs; and when I walk into a yoga class, I’m that person who slinks in, head down, and tries to steal a spot in the back row without making eye contact with anyone (because much like other introverts, I’m not really one for small talk).
It shouldn’t really surprise me that I’m often labeled as anti-social, reserved, or at the extreme, I’ve been told I can come across as cold and standoffish. I’ll be honest – that stings a little bit (actually, a lot). I have a tendency to kind of passively accept these labels, without argument, and evened started to identify with them to a certain extent. Even though I never felt that they quite fit, and weren’t entirely fair. I completely appreciate why I might seem avoidant, or disconnected, to some people, but It’s more so behaviour that’s simply mis-understood (especially by people who aren’t introverted, socially anxious, or highly sensitive – and some of us are lucky enough to be all three). If you’re open to taking a deeper look, I’m hoping people can learn to realize that there’s a lot going on underneath the surface. Let me try and break it down for you.
We can start with the elevator situation, as an example. It’s not that I inherently dislike people, and avoid the crowded elevator for this reason. I avoid the elevator because, believe it or not, it’s kind of a high-pressure situation for me. I tend to take these small interactions a little more seriously than most. While it might sound silly to feel like elevator small talk is a high-stakes interaction, having such a quick, surface-level chats with someone isn’t really my style. In the elevator, you might ask me a question casually, without really caring about my answer (asking me about the weather, or what I thought about the latest episode of something on Netflix). The majority of people would just answer offhand, but I would actually stress a little bit about my answer, take time to consider it carefully, and probably end up giving you more detail than you wanted. In turn, I would also evaluate your answers deeply, in an effort to get to know you, and try to connect with you on some level. It’s often something I don’t have the energy to do repeatedly throughout the day. I would much rather save my energy reserves for a deeper, less time-constrained chat, like grabbing a coffee with you.
If we dissected the yoga situation a little bit more, it’s reasonable to watch me trying to invisibly slink into the class and think that I’m not engaged. But I’m often just trying to get my bearings. Like many other highly sensitive people, it takes me a bit to process and adjust to my surroundings. Even if I’ve been to the studio a dozen times already, my senses are so easily overwhelmed that I am inevitably over-stimulated when I first walk in. It takes me a few minutes to assess who is in the room, get a feel for what the music, the temperature (or whatever) and adjust. Small changes can throw me off, and it’s often why I arrive at the class several minutes ahead of schedule. Some people might arrive early to chat and catch up, but I often need this time to just get settled.
In reality, if I were “anti-social”, I would opt for an online class. I could easily choose from a number of virtual options (especially in this post-covid age). Yet there is a reason I choose to go in person. Maybe I’m not the most outgoing person in the class, but I still enjoy the small and meaningful moments I participate in – the smile I might share with someone across the room as we struggle to hold our balance in a pose; the feedback I get from the instructor, as they gently place their hand on my back to correct my posture. There are also other times when I take a look around the room and become extremely aware that everyone surrounding me are like-minded people, choosing to spend their free time doing the exact same thing that I am doing. It’s a powerful sense of connection, even if it’s silent.
What am I asking you to “do”, with this information, you might ask? Well – if you’re a fellow introvert, socially anxious, or highly sensitive person like me (or simply a fellow human, who can relate to anything I described above), know that you’re not alone. I hope this gives you a bit of validation: you’re allowed to go about your day-to-day life at a speed and intensity that works for you!
And if you’re on the social and extroverted side, my hope is that you can not take offense to our seemingly-strange little quirks (because I often stress that I am un-intentionally hurting someone’s feelings). The next time you see someone walking towards an elevator, and then suddenly bolt for the stairs at the last minute – don’t’ take it personally. Similarly, the person who always sneaks in at the back of the yoga class isn’t trying to ignore you or avoid everyone – they are just trying their best to navigate an overwhelming world in a way that works for them.
I promise: it’s not that people like me aren’t interested in talking to you, that we aren’t aware of you, and we certainly aren’t actively trying to shut you out. Some of us just have a limited amount of energy, and it’s very likely already been spent. If you can give us an encouraging smile, a friendly nod, but ultimately the freedom to take life at our own pace, it will make all the difference in the world.
Kara Foster blogs 